We want to read good novels. And it’s amazing how you can really learn so much about writing. I think the essence of it is when you take good writing and chop it, and then re-write phrases so they don’t sound like common speech.
Dialog you have to make real. I think that was the first feedback I ever got as a writer was being told, I easily make people’s dialog sound real.
If you take the phrase “Carpenter looked out the window”, okay. That’s precise.
It says it exactly.
It’s boring.
If your whole book is like that, bleh.
About half of your book to three quarters needs to be like that.
But you need at some point to chop it.
Let’s look at the first point.
“Carpenter looked.”
I just stuck a filter between you and the story. And every time I do that, I pop you out a little more out of the story.
Looked, saw, felt, heard. These are filter words.
Okay, how to re-write that sentence? Carpenter saw? Nope. It’s just a synonym of a filter word, and that’s the same thing.
How about “Carpenter’s breath fogged the glass. A man outside struggled with a heavy object wrapped in a blanket. The object twitched slightly, and the man kicked the bundle.”
It’s better. I avoided the window except to point out fogging the glass (suggesting it’s cold).
The sentences now are choppy. “A man” is too… generic. We don’t know his name yet, so pick a certain feature on him, and refer to him as if that’s his name, because he’s unknown.
Does he have a strawberry birthmark on his face? Call him strawberry or birthmark. Is his hair blond, but with a lemon pallor? Call him Lemon. Limp? Call him clubfoot.
“A man was in the driveway, bent over a heavy bundle. A cruel scar twisted the man’s face, giving him a perpetual sneer.”
Better. I’d have to poke at that a little.
Now, let’s look at the snapshot quality of my above sentences. Each choppy sentence is like looking at still photographs instead of a film.
Try “as”.
“As Scar lifted the bundle into the car, it twitched like a caterpillar in a cocoon.”
The scene has movement now, something more than Scar lifting the rigid bundle effortlessly into the car. The twitching like a caterpillar gives you added movement, and now it’s not just a phenomenally strong man – it’s a man struggling with a struggling burden.
The scene is by no means done, and I’d probably delete this whole thing and re-write from scratch, but it’s taking shape.
Let’s finish this.
“He gave the wriggling bundle a savage kick, and forced the heavy bundle into the back seat. Carpenter sprinted for the stairs, his hand going to the small of his back in a practiced motion as he leaped the stairs three steps at a time. Momentum carried him into the door frame as the .45 slid from his back. He yanked the door open, thumb disengaging the safety. Scar’s surprised face filled the notched V of Carpenter’s sights.”
Not too hard, right? All you need to make a scene sizzle is find active verbs, eliminate filter words, and give each scene motion or life!
