I’ve said it before – writing is an unhealthy occupation. We sit inside for long periods of time, not moving, often slouching forward. We drink far more coffee than water and far more tea than water. Since most writers work a day job in addition to (redundant phrase – if you said it before you read it, bonus points!) our writing pursuits, this means the time normal people would spend working out is spent by writers working out… plot points.
Loss of Everyone I looked up to
Since I was a boy, everyone who I looked up to we’ve lost – except William Shatner, which gives me hope. But every other favorite author or musician – and even my martial arts inspirations – have all passed on. Many of these died at ages we consider young.
Martial Arts legends who died last year include…
- Kanazawa Hirokazu
- Stan Schmidt
- Okazaki Teryuki
- Jim Kelly
- Ip Ching
Recently I saw a video listed as “57 80’s musicians who have died”. That’s a profound number, and it can’t all be chalked up to age. Arthur C. Clarke, Heinlein, Asimov, and dozens of musicians all have passed on. At least musicians stay somewhat active, running on a stage. Writers only run to the bathroom.
Martial Arts
It’s no secret I’m a martial arts buff. I’ve studied martial arts most people never have heard of. Shotokan Karate, Uechi Ryu Karate, Soryu-Kan Karate, Hung Gar Kung Fu, Shang Chuan Kung Fu, Brazilian JuJitsu (briefly), Taekwondo, Shaolin Kung Fu and a host of other styles I’ve incorporated parts into my study (such as the revolutionary center line of Wing Chun kung fu – combined with Shotokan, it gave me an insight into the art most people seem to have missed).
I’ve been forced to run (not a fan). Weightlifting is okay – with my ectomorph frame, I’ll never be built like Dolph or even Ah-nold.
Why martial arts for writers? Well, for instance, I’ll never have suspension of disbelief shattered ever again. I remember the still puzzling references to Ninjutsu in Eric Von Lustbader’s Ninja books. The reference to the protagonist walking through his apartment with his fingers “stiff like knives” made me put the book down and walk away. Um… not ninjutsu. They walked around with hands held normally. No dramatics, but believe you me, they train constantly in walking casually – then attacking someone passing by. Let’s not forget they were hired assassins. Any intruder into the house would have regretted it in about 3.5 seconds. Think you know some boxing? Bet your life against a real Ninja?
The other scene where the protagonist shoved his elbows “gently” into someone’s solar plexus… Get up, walk around some more. Okay, let’s let that go without comment.
The other reason is – writers have limited time to work out. Let’s not forget it takes 90 minutes to write 2000 words. If I get home at 5 pm and need to get 2000 words by 10 pm, time for shower and dinner… yeah, a cool 45 minute workout. Karate or TKD is your ticket there. You can burn mega calories in a short amount of time.
Try this… set a timer for five minutes. Do side kicks with one leg. Reset the timer. Side kicks with the other. Just ten minutes, right? Yeah. You just burned mega calories. What we need is a TKD phone timer. 5 minute sets, 30 second rests. You do four sets of kicks, then it calls an ambulence for you.
I remember learning a submission hold in Jujutsu called the straightjacket. Here’s a workout – have someone get you in that hold. Roll to the left. Can’t get up? Roll to the right. Still trapped? Try it all over again. 30 second work out. You just need a comfy pillow afterwards and get the person to cover you up with blankets, because you’re so tired out you aren’t getting off the floor. Less than a minute, and you burned mega calories. I remember attending a BJJ seminar that lasted eight hours, and I was told I burned around 10,000 calories that day.
Someone look that up and tell me how accurate it was. I needed a nap when I got home before I could get in the shower.
Running
Running is not a big calorie burner. Most people who run understand it’s a slow burn, and it requires many hours to really burn weight and get you cardio fit. You’ll burn more calories dancing. While many writers take up running, for me the time requirements outweigh the benefits.
Drumming
Here’s one that has real cardio benefits. Get one of the electronic drumsets. They’re available for $300 and up. If you live in an apartment, get some foam and lay it on the floor. Get two tennis balls and cut them in half, gluing them to the bottom of a wood platform. Place the platform over the foam, and the wood cannot touch the foam. Now NOBODY will hear your electronic drumset.
Now invest in a musical library of really fast music. Slap some headphones on, plug the music into the drumset controls, and start playing. Ten minutes later, you were really active, sweated a lot, and raised your cardio. Now stop singing the Def Leppard songs and go write.
Tennis/Handball/Racquetball/ Jai Alai
Yes, I really grew up in Newport – all those commercials for Jai Alai (never went, by the way). But these are sport exercises that will keep you active. Plus, Tennis is the loudest sport in the world. You can’t play it without raising a racquet.
You need sports that give you maximum return for minimum time – tennis fits that bill well. Of course the very definition of Tennis is hitting the ball where your opponent isn’t so they have to walk over and get it. While they do this, you… stand there.
Food
For my fellow writers who think of the major food groups as Chocolate, Pizza, Cheese doodles and Jelly Bellies, we need to talk about healthy eating. Salads, vegetables, meats. Sushi. You know, food. Not pizza and fried chicken. Avoid golden foods (breaded things, onion rings).
Despite the bad rap low carbing has gotten, I feel better and lost a lot of weight doing low carb. You decide, but for me it works.
Drink
You can drink as much coffee as you want – you just have to keep up as much water. Three cups of coffee? Three cups of water. Should be more? One of the most quoted – and actually incorrect – urban myths is that human beings require 8 to 10 cups of water a day. It was written in one book based upon faulty research, and it’s been quoted ever since.
Music
Listen to a lot of music. Happy music. Deep music. A lot of you could benefit from listening to a combination of Bach, Vivaldi, Beethoven and Mozart. I probably have 40 hours worth of Bach on my laptop (Did Glenn Gould really think he was humming what he was playing? Not even close). The entire idea is, to make yourself happy, or feel something. Why? Happy life is longer life.
Laugh
Try this – clever plays on word, puns and bad cerebral jokes. My wife and I both enjoy those, and she’s always getting me with a funny pun. Like when I heard a good pun at work and I thought about bringing it home – but that would be taking a joke too far.
Conclusion
Writing is unhealthy. The only way to survive this occupation for long is to get healthy – because when that’s gone, sometimes it doesn’t come back. Get healthy now, so you can have a long writing career.
